Anna's Maternity Photographs | West Valley, Utah

 

 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

 

This is my sister in law Anna.

Isn't she gorgeous? Uhm, I know right?

She is expecting the first of three nephews due to our family this year, and we cannot wait to meet little Alec due in June.

These photos were taken in my backyard 10 minutes before it started hailing and pouring rain. I don't think we could have gotten any luckier.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Ian Maclaren

(My brother took this photo of me, I love it, nap makeup and all.)

Everyone you meet truly is fighting a hard battle.

The last two months of my life have been full of heartache, sadness, depression, struggle, illness, and overcoming. It seems I have been fighting one battle after another and never coming up victor.

I have had to make some very hard decisions which involved really looking inside myself to find that 'voice', that 'gut' which tells you what you really need to do in life. I am amazed by how much I have learned from listening to this voice. In the midst of terrible personal struggle, this voice has brought me peace and understanding beyond any I have ever felt before in my life. I am amazed at our personal abilities to overcome tragedy and our battles if we keep fighting and pushing. It gets really hard and dark and tragic at times...but there is so much we can learn about ourselves and about those around us.

I have a particular worry lately. I particularly see it in my LDS culture, and in the state of Utah in which I live. I am seeing so much judgement and bitterness and sometimes getting the "I am so much better than them." feelings from people. It is breaking my heart into a million pieces as I try to open my heart to truly loving others and showing kindness, that I can't believe that we as humans think and say some of the things we say, and the saddest part of it all is that our children are picking up on it, therefore becoming silent bullies of judgement.

If you are slightly religious at all you will have heard this scripture from Matthew 22:36-39:

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38 This is the first and great commandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

I am concerned that society doesn't know how to love anyone but themselves anymore. I have recently seen children make grown people cry because of things their parents are teaching them, that someone is less of a person because of choices and decisions they make in their lives because they aren't the same choices that these parents would make for themselves or for their children.

I have heard of grown women in my neighborhood being shunned and judged because they aren't dressed 'modestly'. What the hell is wrong with us that have to ever say anything about the way someone is dressed? Are clothes what make people who they are? Who cares? Why do you care? Why do you even waste the energy to make yourself feel better than that person? It kills me slowly to hear of things like this. To witness things like this in my culture. I loved reading this article after feeling this way for awhile now: The Friend and The Orange Tank Top. Guess what? My girls sometimes wear spaghetti straps and sleeveless shirts. Guess what else? I don't care what you think.

Does someone's sexual orientation make a difference in whether we love them or not? Why do we put so much energy into battling back and forth who is right on the subject and who is wrong? I am so sick of hearing all of this that I could scream. Quit judging. Love.

Tattoos? So freaking what. Get over it people. They have been around forever. Guess what? I am FASCINATED by them. Why people get them, what they mean.

My mom is mentally ill. Guess what? That doesn't mean that I am.

My dad is an alcoholic and an ex con. Guess what? That doesn't mean that I am, or will be. We lost an adoption placement over this.

Quit. Judging.

Be the LDS people you were taught to be. Love one another.

Guess what else? It is possible to teach your children right from wrong. We also need to remember to teach them that what we believe is wrong and right differs from what other people believe. What we need to teach them, is despite our differing values we can love others without making them feel less than us. It is possible, my children are living proof. I am living proof.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Ian Maclaren

March 11. A Strange Anniversary

As I plugged my earbuds into my phone this morning at the gym, I caught a glimpse at the date. March 11.

The eleventh day of March used to mean my best friend from junior high school was celebrating her birthday. Now it means something more. It brings up really weird feelings. It isn't an anniversary per se, but it is now a day that makes me think a lot.

Today marks two years since this day:

Two years of feeling aching and utterly crushed. In the last year my friend Lindsey has talked about the literal breaking of one's heart. I knew exactly what it was she spoke of, because I too had felt that awful break. The pain, the anguish, that only subsides with time. I felt it when we lost our baby. I felt it on March 11, 2011.

After watching this clip from The Walking Dead this week, I felt it perfectly described pain and grief. When I heard the news my husband had to share with me on that night, this is exactly what happened to me. I was so broken, I could not breath. I was Rick, right down to the stumbling in a heap on the cold concrete because all of the strength in my body was gone trying to comprehend such heartache and loss. There are still twinges of pain in my heart when I think on it too much, so most of the time I try not to.

This was two years ago. Two years is a really long, long time to try to be working through pain and heartache and grief. I have learned that forgiveness is possible, but that forgetting can be really hard. I have learned the my kids were so tiny...and I often second guess myself and some of my decisions, and oftentimes wonder if I had made different decisions would I be second guessing myself then? I don't know. I have zero answers.

Last year at this time had me with divorce paperwork in my hand. Whew. Feels so hard to say, so awful to say, but I did. I wanted it over. There were just so many mountains to climb, and we are still climbing them...but I wanted some of the pain and hard work to be done, and over with.I felt like divorce was one of those answers that might be more quick than painstakingly fixing my life with a magnifying glass and super glue.

Then I got a text from my little sister on March 11, 2012. She was letting me know that our mom was in the hospital. She tried to end her struggles on this earth, and somehow she was found before that was possible. I knew she was sick, but I had no idea how low her pain had become, that leaving this life would be preferable to finding help and happiness. So. Much. Darkness. So. Much. Pain.

Again, heart wrenching, gut cutting pain. I can still remember seeing my mother on the gurney in the emergency room. Ghost white. Over the next days after she was released from the hospital when she came home with me...my heart began to change toward my husband, toward my mother...and family became the most important thing to me.

Today is not easy. I will honestly tell you that. There are days I don't know if I love, or still love, or want to love, or hope, or what is happening. There are a lot of days I am just here for my kids, out of obligation, because I hope and I pray for better days.

The good and happy days are beginning to outweigh the really terrible and bad ones. I am learning that broken dreams may have to stay broken and I might have to make new dreams, decide on new dreams, build on new dreams. I have learned that fairy tales do exist, but just not for me, at least not now, and I have learned to be okay with that.

Today marks two painful years. Two of the most I have ever had to endure.

Today marks another year that I have my mom.

Tonight I will make cupcakes. We will light a candle to celebrate that she is still with us.

I might light one for us as well. Two candles...hoping to burn into three, and four...and five.

The Path to Heaven Runs Through Miles of Clouded Hell

Photo by the beautiful and amazing D'Arcy Benincosa.
I am so blessed to call her my friend.

The last few weeks and months have been clouded Hell. (I am in love with Imagine Dragons aren't you?)

Living with depression mixed in with the occasional bout of anxiety makes for some tough days. It is hard to describe to someone who has never dealt with it, or lived through it. I suppose to an outsider they might think, "Get over it!", "Life is good!", "Look at all you have been blessed with."

These are the things I remind myself each and every day as I wade through this cloud.

Two months ago my mom came to live with us. This has been challenging as well as rewarding. She was diagnosed with a severe mental illness about a year ago. Dealing with her challenges on top of my own have left me very stressed and depressed a lot of the days. My heart aches because I feel she was neglected in the home that she left. I know and see that she needs someone to love and care for her and to check in on her and make sure she is okay and handling things well. While she is mostly normal, she still needs someone to check in on her and let her know she is human...and loved. While I love her with all of my heart, it is hard to have a house guest...especially when it may be permanent. She knows how I feel, she feels similarly and understands my feelings, we talk about it and make sure that we are all aware how hard our current situation is. I just wanted to put that out there lest anyone think I am a horrible daughter.

A few weeks ago my older brother and I got in a huge argument. I hate fighting with anyone. This particular evening, when I dropped about a million f bombs left me so utterly sad. I shook for days, I was sick to my stomach and couldn't eat. It was horrendous. The argument left me not wanting to blog ever again. Fingers were pointed and I was told I was not a good person because I write about my family on my blog. I have written about my mother on my blog, and about my husband on my blog. "You're going to regret writing those things five years from now!" he said. I spent many hours crying over this. Stressing over this. Running from this. What I took away from this event in my life, was understanding. I have two parents who are very dependent upon their children right now. My brother is dealing with my father in his sad emotional state, and I am dealing with my mom in her emotional state as well as her financial state. The argument became one of comparison and feeling alone in our separate situations. I am thankful I ended the phone call before I said too many things I regret. Happily, I got a phone call from my sweet 6 year old nephew a few days later. Like a healing balm, his sweet voicemail was like superglue to my crushed heart and soul. His call had nothing to do with the argument I had with his dad, but just one asking me to bring my kids to play with him. It was enough for me to call my brother and apologize for anything I may have said that hurt him.

Still, words hurt. They can never be erased, and they ring in my mind that perhaps I don't have the right to blog so much about my life. So I have been afraid to come back because I don't want to ever feel the way I felt that evening on the phone. At the same time, I realize how much courage it takes to share your story, and have seen countless times that by doing so, it helps myself and others.

It took me a few weeks to grab my shovel and dig out, but I am trying to come back. I truly am. It is so scary, and so hard...but I am trying. Don't give up on me just yet as I continue to try and find where I fit into this world.

I am in this clouded place...running through these miles and miles of Hell. I just want to feel what Heaven is like. I have faith it gets better. I know it gets better. I know it will. For now, I am thankful for my sweet babies who are giving me glimpses of my own piece of Heaven. They will have to do for now.

Spiraling

Downward.

Spiraling.

That is what it feels like life has been the last few weeks.

One thing after another, after another after another.

Never letting up, never giving me one moment of relief, not one breath before something else happens to knock me down.

Stomach punches to the gut, each one leaving me heaving and breathless on the floor.

Fetal position.

Tear stained cheeks.

Black mascara eyes on the days makeup even gets put on.

Yesterday was one such day.

I lost it in the middle of church. I bawled setting up my classroom and tried beyond tried to compose myself before my kids came in. Camilla was with me and she just looked at me with so much sweetness and love and concern. Somehow I managed to stop the tears but my face was red, my nose swollen, and there was no masking my utter sadness.

I hit rock bottom.

Hard.

Right now I am sitting in the muck of the bottom of pits such as these.

I am sitting here trying to decide what to do, what my next move might be, should be, where I should go from here.

Until I know, the only things keeping me together are my babies. Three of the most amazing little people on the planet.

They are my glue.

My passion.

My fire.

They are the only ones with a rope, pulling me up and out of this dark place.

Somehow I will see the light again soon.

Even if I am not okay in this moment.

I will be.

This amazing Jothan boy got his blue belt.

He works so very hard at all that he does. I love to see him succeed and find joy in all of the things he does in his life. He is such a good example to me that happiness is possible and that life just isn't meant to be endured, but enjoyed.

(Thanks for the reminder Becky.)

xo

Kim