Friday, June 24, 2011

On Openness.




Shot on a Nikon F100, 50mm 1.4 lens at f 1.4 with Portra 400 Film .

I have had an interesting week since posting my last post . It is truly odd to be in the situation our family is in. On one hand I don't want anyone to know, on the other hand I don't like feeling as though I am living a lie, and I don't think anyone should live a lie. I think that so much can be learned from what is happening and what we are enduring.

For one, I know for a fact I am not alone. We are not alone. However, I know that sharing our situation is sort of taboo. Especially in our society and in our religion. Part of me feels really guilty for sharing as much as I have, especially when my husband's family did not know anything was going on. I feel a little guilty for using my blog as therapy, but that is what I have always done and not doing it now seems silly.

I didn't come to this decision lightly. It took me three months to decide that I wanted to write my way through this. I had to get through a lot of the ugly to feel like I could share, that I wanted to share, that I needed to share.

You are probably wondering, "How does Hubbs feel about it?" Honestly, I am not 100% sure, so if you are his family and friends I ask you to please be sensitive to his feelings and his heart. This is a difficult time for all of us, and understand this is my platform and my resource, whereas I am not sure what his resources for dealing with this are, and obviously it is not sharing it with the world. Please be considerate to him, that is all that I ask.

I have learned so many difficult and wonderful things in the past few months. I learned that my capacity to forgive is incredible. I think anyone's is if you can only open yourself up to it.

A few stories I have yet to share with the world stems from my childhood and teen years. I still am not ready to share all of those stories, one of which, if you knew the right things to Google, you would have it all right there in a blink of an eye. What I will share is that my parents divorced when I was 7. My dad hurt my mother deeply throughout their marriage of about the same length I have been married to my husband. The final straw was drawn when my dad hurt her the last time and their marriage ended. These experiences affected me deeply. I grew up lacking sufficient trust in marriage and love and I brought these feelings into a marriage to a man who loved me fully and affectionately. No one person is to blame when there are marriage problems, this I know, but having dealt with my parents divorce in not the healthiest ways, and then bringing those feelings into my young marriage, I think it was a little doomed. I would often say to my sweetheart, "If you ever do to me what my dad did to my mom, it is over. Please, oh please have the courage to come to me beforehand so we can end it before there is that deep betrayal." So for me, having said that oh so many times in our marriage you would think that when faced with the actual situation I would bolt.

I did not bolt. (Sometimes in my mind I cannot help but wonder secretly if this is what my husband hoped for. I am certain he did not, and he has told me such, and part of healing is my need to trust again and believe that, and so I am.) I am here. I am stable, I am willing. I am fighting. I have surprised everyone most of which myself.

It hurts.

Many moments are dark and trial filled. However, through it all, I have felt an extreme feeling of peace deep in my heart, I know where that peace comes from. It comes from a long and deep relationship with a loving Heavenly Father who I am certain laughs at me every night when I talk to Him about my day, and realizes how crazy I am and can be. I know it because He is carrying me through this. He is carrying my husband through this and teaching him and I how to love one another again.

There is power in starting over.

To me, the marriage I shared with my husband for 10.5 years is dead and gone. It is over. I find the pictures from those first ten years painful. There were wonderful times, but it is the here and now that matter the most, it is what happens tomorrow and in the next days and weeks and months that matter, that will truly show who we are as a couple and a family. It is an uphill climb, a hard and difficult one, but also one full of much beauty. Really? How can such a trial be beautiful? I don't know but it is. Learning to love someone anew, especially one you have known for so long is quite liberating as well. It is so hard to explain and pinpoint. Maybe I will be able to as time goes on.

Laughing again is my hope. Feeling joy and comfort and complete peace is what I look forward to. These are my goals, and I truly hope to be holding the hand of my sweetheart through it all, and if not, I am learning to love me and have peace in my heart. I will be able to know I gave it my best shot, and that is all anyone can do. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, not really for the one being forgiven, but for the forgiver.

So, this is why I am open, because I know I am not alone, and I understand being open is not for everyone, but it works for me, and as long as it is working for me, I will keep on sharing. My heart goes out to everyone who has sent me an email sharing and the many conversations over the phone and in person saying, "I understand, it feels so amazing to finally be able to talk to someone about my situation!". You are not alone. Neither am I.


9 comments:

AlliSMiles said...

you are brave. i love your writing style. you're inspiring, and i love you.

Melody said...

I don't have much to say. You already said it all. I love you, and I am truly honored to know a person who fights for what she wants as much as you are willing.

Arianne said...

You amaze me Kim! You are the most humble and forgiving person I know!

Calli said...

Beautifully said! You are VERY loved I hope you know that!!!

Emily said...

I echo everyone else's thoughts: you are AMAZING. I think it is probably the healthiest thing to realize your previous relationship is over...that it will never be the same. But different isn't necessarily a bad thing. You may rediscover each other and find you love one another even more than before. Here's to hoping that's exactly what happens. Love you!

Barb @ getupandplay said...

It takes so much courage to be open, to be forgiving, to be strong, to persevere. I admire you.

mandee said...

xoxoxo...inspiring you are.

Becky Rose said...

You are not the only one who needs to write to get it out and to share it. I'm doing the same thing on my blog right now! I'm glad I'm not the only one!

Anonymous said...

A very loving approach, great!

You might enjoy this: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Wish you Courage for living the Truth!