Friday, January 17, 2014

Dear Tanner,

You don't know me. In fact, you will probably go home and tell your mom and dad about the crazy lady that came into work today. You will probably laugh about me and tell your folks about how out of control my kids were (they were), but I will remember you as one of three people that helped me make it through today, because I needed your kindness more than ever before.

You see Tanner, what the lady standing behind me in line didn't know was that I was at your store to buy scriptures for my daughter who is turning 8 next week. What this lady did not know was that I let my kids run around so that the scriptures would still be a surprise for her on her special day. What she didn't know is that my kids have really long names and when you told me that the names were too long to be engraved on the cover, I almost cried right then and there, because what this huffy puffy lady didn't know is that I was having a really terrible day.

You see, I had to wake my daughter up at 8 a.m. after she had gone to bed at 2 a.m. See, she has never been a good sleeper, and unless she has some warm body to help her fall asleep, it won't happen, and last night it didn't happen. Camilla had an appointment with the doctor because she has been sick for two weeks. I had to sit with Camilla on the dirty bathroom floor at the doctor's office for two hours trying to get her to go to the bathroom in a cup. There was crying and weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, and a fair share from Camilla as well. What this lady didn't know is that there was a fear Camilla may have a serious problem (She doesn't thank heavens.) but at that moment as I was trying so hard to get her to go potty that is all I cared about was getting her last test done so we would know. See, I had to drive 30 minutes home just so that I could get half an ounce of pee between three bathroom trips just so that I could turn around and drive that tiny amount of pee 30 minutes back to the doctor's office where we spent another hour waiting for test results. Remember how Camilla had already woken early and had cried for 2 hours? This extra hour was almost more than she could bear.

After her appointment I had to go to the store to pick up a medication for Camilla. A medication that may or may not help her and her issue...so that took us another hour, in that hour she cried and screamed and was so tired that we almost didn't make it out alive, but somehow we did. At least the people in Target didn't look at me and glare at me the way the huffy puffy lady did. Walking into Deseret Book (a store for LDS members where they can buy spiritual clothing, books, scriptures, etc...) should have been a reprieve. I asked Jothan to watch my girls for me so that I could buy the scriptures really fast (and I was really fast!) before Emmaree noticed. But then this lady got behind me losing her shee because I was stumped on how to engrave my daughter's REALLY long name onto her scriptures. I really put this lady out so much that she decided to walk the 50 yards across the store to the other checkout.

Thanks for your patience with me Tanner. Especially after the lady left and the old man came in...and nearly scolded my children in front of my already tear filled eyes. When he put his hand out to stop my little girl from running after her sister, I lost it. What this man didn't know is that last week I had a miscarriage. Of course, how could he know that? No one knew, except very close friends, my husband. Not even my children knew why I was on bed rest for a handful of days. They wondered why I was crying all the time, of course, but I didn't want them to know, and I still don't want them to know, so please don't tell them Tanner. What this old man didn't know was that my testimony of the gospel has been shaken and stirred and tried the last three years more than my little heart can manage, and last week I was praying my brains out and hoping beyond hope that this baby wasn't gone, that somehow my faith and will would align with God's.

What this old man did not know is that sometimes the last place I want to be is somewhere that reminds me how far I feel from my Heavenly Father. What this man didn't know is that his actions made me really question why I would want to be associated with people like him and the huffy puffy lady before him. I am trying to remember though Tanner that it is not the people. It is never the people...it is the gospel. Tanner, thanks for letting me check out as quickly as possible so that I could remove myself from the presence of this man as quickly as possible. Thank you for being so kind to me even after you probably heard my very upset phone call to my husband, distraught because the names wouldn't fit, and because huffy puffy and old man had treated me so unkindly. Thank you for pretending not to hear my overly loud swear words because the only people I wanted to hear them were huffy and old man.

Thanks for pretending I wasn't crying when I finally figured out the engraving and thank you for ignoring my sadness when you told me that the engraving would be an hour and that I would have to come back later and that I would have to drive 40 minutes back to pick up the books because, as you know Tanner, my kids were losing it, and so was I.

I appreciate you.

Much Love,

Kim

P.S. Tanner, after I left your station, I decided to go upstairs and peruse the fabric (with my crazy kids) and your other co-worker was so so nice to me and laughed and giggled at my story of the horrible customers. Tanner, you will NEVER believe that after I spent 5 minutes upstairs and headed out to my car, who was parked next to me! Blue shirted huffy puffy was to my immediate right and old man was parked in front of me. We all left the store at the same exact moment. I cannot believe that my children ruined their day so much, and they were in such a hurry that somehow we all made it out at the same time.

21 comments:

Anna said...

Oh my dear Kim, I am do terribly sorry. Miscarriages are so sad. I'm sad for you. It just sucks. It is lovely that you had a few bright spots in a crappy day. I sure do love you (especially because you use overly loud swear words in Deseret Book) and am sending you giant hugs.

Sell...Party Of 5 said...

I love you mucho Kimmie.

Skye said...

Kim, I'm so so sorry. Thinking of you, and sending loads of hugs and prayers.....and sending daggers to huffy and old man!!!!

DisabilityDiva said...

Oh my dear friend. I wondered given our convo when you took the family pics at my home if you had another little one. My heart hurts for you!! I love you so very much!

DisabilityDiva said...

Oh my dear friend I wondered if you had a little one given our convo with family pictures. I love you so very much. My heart hurts for you. Much love!!!

Leanne said...

Oh Kim, I'm so sorry! I just want to hug you! I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. They are so hard in so many ways. I hope you are able to feel peace soon.

Lindsay @Artsy-Fartsy Mama said...

Oh Kim, I'm so sorry!! Sending big, virtual hugs your way. I love you and think you are so amazing. Hope things start to look up soon.

Barb said...

I'm so so sorry for your lost. What a devastation. You are heroic for being such a wonderful mother to your lucky children and for being the wonderful person you are. Love you.

Christal said...

Big hugs sometimes life sucks! You are amazing though and your write so well that we feel like we are right there with you! We've all been there in one way or another.. none of its fair or fun but lots of people love you and your Heavenly Father most of all. Someday we'll understand until then the questions and why's and the tears will go with us everyday. You are loved!!

Emily said...

Did you get their license plates? No, seriously. Did you get them?

mandee said...

Oh, Kim! I had no idea! I love you and your cute little family so much! May your heart and body heal quickly! Hugs!

Sharon said...

My dearest friend I am so sorry for your suffering and loss. Love to you and your family. Ms huffy and old man have long forgotten the trials of young children. Please know that your Heavenly Father truly does know you and always remember that the gospel is not the people. And those two were some of the broken ones. Much much love to you as you heal on all levels. Love you my friend.

Cathy said...

I'm so sorry.

Ashlee @ I'm Topsy Turvy said...

Kim I love you and wish I could squeeze you tight. I am so sorry my sweet friend.

Brittany@Love Stitched said...

So my dear friend, this post made me cry! For many reason. Maybe because like you I am having one of those bad days. But more importantly because my heart aches for you right now. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what a hard last couple of years this has been for you! I would love to catch up one of these days and meet up! love u! here a big virtual hug for you (---1----) <- that is supposed to look like arms open to hug you! hahaha

Becca said...

Love you sweetie friend! I want to run away with you to cry it out, to hug it out and then to make fun of huffy puffy and old man. We can even make up a skit or two with props and everything. Love you forever! !

Becca said...

Love you sweetie friend! I want to run away with you to cry it out, to hug it out and then to make fun of huffy puffy and old man. We can even make up a skit or two with props and everything. Love you forever! !

Manda Jane Clawson said...

Hugs hugs hugs, and more hugs!!!

Angela S said...

My heart goes out to you. Sending love. Prayers. He cares. He loves you. I'm sorry things are so hard.

Emily said...

Oh Kim, I'm so sorry that people can be so ridiculous. I'm glad Tanner wasn't one of them. Thanks for the reminder of the need to give people the benefit of the doubt. ESPECIALLY moms with young kids!

Emily said...

People can be ridiculous. I'm so sorry. Mothers of young kids always get the benefit of the doubt and should be given a free pass! So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Love you!